Soft Launching My Disappearance

Once in a while, I get this urge to disappear.

Actually, that’s a lie. I fantasize about disappearing all the time. Not in a dark way, not death or anything like that. Just… disappearing. Like moving to a small town in a new country where nobody knows me. Deleting all my apps, having no digital footprint, and becoming untraceable in a world that always wants access to you.

Do you ever feel like that?

And before you say anything, this isn’t a cry for help. I just think there are people like me who sometimes don’t want more visibility or more noise. We just want less.

If I am being honest, it’s not that I don’t like people; I do (sometimes). But there are days when everything feels like too much. Too many messages, too many expectations, and too many versions of me that need to exist online and offline at the same time. And on those days, disappearing feels like the only thing that makes sense.

But we live in a digital world where silence feels almost illegal.

Everyone must build a personal brand.

Everyone must show their work.

Everyone must be visible or risk being forgotten.

It seems that if you’re not online, you’re not really here. So I find myself thinking about what it would mean to just… step back. To be a ghost.

There’s something strangely comforting about that idea. Not running away from life, but stepping outside of its constant demands for attention. No performance, just existing. In those moments, disappearing feels less like escape and more like relief.

However, I’ve also started to realize something: I don’t actually want to disappear. I want to rest and exist on my own terms. There’s a difference.

What I call disappearing is usually just me wanting space. Space from feeling like I always have to respond, react, or show up as something.

Except that I am Yoruba, my parents’ only daughter, my husband’s only wife, and I work in Marketing Communications, so disappearing would be a difficult move to pull off. lol. Consider this my soft launch for when I finally attempt it.

Sometimes I think about how people go quiet in certain phases of life. Newlyweds, new parents, people entering completely new seasons. I used to think I would never be that person. I would always be online, always visible, always present. Now I get it differently. Life just pulls your attention inward sometimes.

For me, disappearing looks like very simple things. Reading for hours without touching my phone. Walking with no destination and more. I crave simplicity. Mornings that don’t feel rushed and evenings that don’t feel heavy. I just want a life where I can choose when to be seen and when to step back. Where silence doesn’t feel like absence. Where being offline doesn’t feel like disappearing completely.

This urge to disappear usually isn’t about hating life. It’s about wanting to experience it without so much interruption. It’s just a quiet kind of search for space.

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As always, thank you for being here and for being you. ❤